{"id":2088,"date":"2020-12-09T21:20:48","date_gmt":"2020-12-10T04:20:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/?p=2088"},"modified":"2020-12-10T16:12:49","modified_gmt":"2020-12-10T23:12:49","slug":"hedonist-inc","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/2020\/12\/09\/hedonist-inc\/","title":{"rendered":"Hedonist, Inc."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

prompt: Write a short story about a work Christmas party that goes… awry.<\/em>
available on Reedsy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As much as I hated these things, I found myself at another Hedonist, Inc Christmas blowout. The company\u2019s real name is HedoLine, Inc, but I\u2019ve called it the other way since the first party I attended here. It was a booze-fueled night of inappropriate jokes, kiss and grope, and indiscrete lavatory hookups.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Around me the others came in, dropping off the normal \u201cparty supplies.\u201d Assorted finger foods, seven bottles of high-grade liquor, a case of energy drinks, a bowl of cannabis edibles (a staple since legalization), and The Punch Bowl. Three large bottles of fruit punch and a bag of ice had it half full, and it would remain so until the official start of the party. Once the DJ started (it was Dan, from Accounting, again) they\u2019d ceremoniously dump four fifths of cheap whiskey into the bowl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lights went out, the Christmas tree was lit and the music started with thunderous bass. Of course, the tree had been lit all week prior, so the reveal was not at all exciting. But traditions seem to hang on, even when they\u2019re lame. The CEO, CFO, CTO, and VP all had an open bottle of store-branded whiskey, complete with sell-by date, which they dumped into The Punch Bowl. As the music blasted out the lights came back half-way, with a spot pointing at a small disco globe hung from the ceiling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Certain that I\u2019d been seen and accounted for at the party I snuck into the break room and grabbed a small bag of cheese puffs from the cupboard, and a cold cola from the fridge. I don\u2019t drink and I certainly don\u2019t indulge in cannabis, so I left the \u201cparty supplies\u201d alone. Dan was doing fine as DJ, at least so far. As the night wore on and he got drunk that would change, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last month, someone left a sun lounger in the break room. I had unfolded it and was all set to lean back and take a nap when Debbie from Marketing came in. \u201cOh, hey sweetie,\u201d she said, already half-lit. \u201cSince you\u2019re already in here can you start the coffee? We\u2019re making Irish coffees for myself, and Darlene, and Dennis, and Delta, and -\u201d she stopped. \u201cSilly me, you don\u2019t care about that, just make us some coffee?\u201d She tried to look endearing, but she only succeeded in looking even more drunk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anxious to get her out of my sanctuary I agreed and told her I\u2019d bring it out when it was ready. I lay back down as soon as she left. If they couldn\u2019t figure out how to use the single-cup coffee maker in the main office, it was on them. It would probably be an hour or more before the \u201csecret Santa\u201d gift exchange, so I set an alarm to wake me then and dozed off to the muffled beat of Dan\u2019s dance mixes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my phone woke me, vibrating in my pocket, the music was still pumping, but the transitions were sloppy. Not a big surprise. I grabbed another cola and sipped while wondering how much longer until I could attend the gift exchange and then bow out graciously. So far I\u2019d handled these parties well enough that I didn\u2019t catch any flack for not being \u201cinvolved\u201d enough in the \u201ccompany culture.\u201d That\u2019s all I intended to do this time as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About thirty seconds into a song a second started playing on top of it, the two clashing like throwing a car into reverse while traveling at high speed. When the cacophony didn\u2019t stop right away, I began to fear that Dan had passed out at his deck. Or possibly had a stroke. Either way, I couldn\u2019t stay in my sanctuary any longer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I emerged to pure chaos. Debbie was standing on a desk, nude, holding a drink aloft and dancing suggestively with Darlene who was in her underwear. Dan was trying to catch the lights from the disco globe. Delta was making out with Dennis in the middle of the room, while right behind them her husband Dave swayed, staring at the floor. They got her blouse off and then stopped, holding it between them and stroking the fabric.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A sharp blow to my rear brought me back to awareness. The CEO leaned in close, still holding my butt. \u201cYou know, Dick,\u201d he said, \u201cyou could really go far in this company.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I pulled away. \u201cMy name\u2019s Richard.\u201d Partly because Debbie was bound to spill her drink on someone\u2019s computer, but mostly to get away from the CEO I rushed about the office, unplugging all the desks from the floor outlets that provided power. It wouldn\u2019t save the computers that she spilled on, but might save the others from a shorted connection causing a power spike.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLook at that!\u201d the VP called out, getting everyone\u2019s attention. He was pointing to Debbie and Darlene, now getting handsy. \u201cDream work makes the teamwork!\u201d he yelled. I wanted to curl up into an invisible ball and remove myself from the cringe-fest happening all around me. This was far beyond the normal level of drunk, stoned, and stupid I had come to expect from Hedonist, Inc. This was\u2026 I wasn\u2019t sure what this was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I made my way to The Punch Bowl and saw something that hadn\u2019t been there before, a bowl of sugar cubes, faintly pink. I watched as a few people made their way over and refilled their glass, adding a sugar cube, or sometimes two, before rejoining the party. Unlike normal sugar cubes they seemed to dissolve instantly in the drink. The horrible sound from the doubled tracks finally ended and Dan started playing some late 80s Rap, something about \u201cme so horny.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By this point, Dave was wearing Delta’s blouse as a scarf. I didn\u2019t see Dennis anywhere, but Delta was sat on the floor counting the straps on her shoes. It wouldn\u2019t seem like there was much to count there, but she would pause often and make motions like she was adding on her fingers. The CEO was chatting up one of the guys from Sales, and it looked to be going far better than his ham-handed attempt with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s when I saw him. Dennis was back, and swatting at some flying thing only he could see with a broom. I don\u2019t know where the broom came from, but there he was, swinging wildly with it. He connected with a monitor that crashed to the floor. Next was a potted plant. The plant, like everything else around here, was fake so I didn\u2019t worry about it. His next swing, though, broke one of the fire detectors on the ceiling. Water sprayed down, all of the sprinklers opening up as the alarm sounded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I expected a panic. Instead, Dennis cowered under a desk, the broom discarded. Dan turned the music up even louder, and everyone else started dancing in the downpour, stripping down to underwear or less. Knowing that no-one else would I went outside in my now-soaked clothes to meet the fire department.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fire trucks showed up in minutes and I let them know what was going on. One of the crew turned off the water main to shut down the sprinklers while her teammates went in to assure that everyone was ok. A moment after they entered the music finally stopped. Minutes later they emerged, one laughing and the other gone pale. The laughing one said \u201cThat\u2019s why I never wanted an office job!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The police arrived on the heels of the fire crew, and talked to them first. I overheard the words \u201celectrical hazard\u201d and \u201cwild orgy\u201d from the crew. I was next for the police to talk to. \u201cWhat\u2019s going on in there?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I explained the typical Hedonist, Inc office party, and then added that this one was different. He nodded, taking notes as I shared my suspicions of something in the sugar cubes. Then I added \u201cwhen I walked out there was no orgy, just dancing naked in the sprinklers.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He asked me to show him the bowl of sugar cubes so I led him and his partner inside. To call what was going on an orgy would be to undersell it. As I stood, shocked for a moment, I wondered how I\u2019d be able to face any of them come Monday. Without the thumping music there was no mistaking the sounds of sex coming from the piles of bodies scattered around the desks. I shook my head and led the officers to the \u201cparty supplies\u201d and pointed out the small bowl, now full of water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhatever was in here got washed out by the sprinklers,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019ll take it anyway and see if we can get something off of it.\u201d Wearing blue nitrile gloves he picked up the bowl, dumped the water out, and placed it into a large plastic bag. He pointed to the large camera above the table aimed at the main floor. \u201cWhat\u2019s that for?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe do live feeds for webinars, and that\u2019s the main camera for that,\u201d I said. \u201cThey also record these parties, then Marketing edits them to look fun, and happy,\u201d and not like a drunken frat party<\/em>, I thought, \u201cand uploads them to social media.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLooks like this one\u2019s gonna need a lot of editing,\u201d he said. His partner asked if I could go with them to make sure everyone was accounted for and safe, and I agreed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dennis was still cowered under the desk, afraid of something. He left in an ambulance. So did the CEO and the man from Sales, as they were found both unconscious where they had passed out mid-coitus. Delta, Dave, and Darlene were having a go at it, and I interrupted to ask where Debbie had gone. They all looked at me like I was a three-headed garden gnome and went back to what they were doing. We looked all over, but no Debbie. My phone chimed. It was a tweet from Debbie on the official company twitter account, with a nude selfie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe last one\u2019s in the men\u2019s room, I\u2019d recognize that ugly tile anywhere.\u201d I showed the tweet. \u201cIf it\u2019s ok, I\u2019d like to go now.\u201d The officers took my contact information and let me leave. As I walked home in my wet clothes, my phone chimed again. Another tweet from Debbie, \u201ccops gone, party on!!!\u201d It was followed almost immediately by a tweet with the video from the party and a link to the live feed. Yeah, definitely not going back on Monday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

prompt: Write a short story about a work Christmas party that goes… awry. available on Reedsy As much as I hated these things, I found myself at another Hedonist, Inc Christmas blowout. The company\u2019s real …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[208],"tags":[215,210,209],"class_list":["post-2088","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-trunk-stories","tag-comedy","tag-fiction","tag-short-story"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pxT7i-xG","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2088","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2088"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2088\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2089,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2088\/revisions\/2089"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2088"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2088"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2088"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}