{"id":2111,"date":"2020-12-12T19:14:51","date_gmt":"2020-12-13T02:14:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/?p=2111"},"modified":"2020-12-19T19:13:01","modified_gmt":"2020-12-20T02:13:01","slug":"atonement-by-proxy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/2020\/12\/12\/atonement-by-proxy\/","title":{"rendered":"Atonement by Proxy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

prompt: Write a story about someone looking to make amends for a mistake….<\/em><\/em>
available at Reedsy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s odd that the things one has little to no control over can produce the most profound guilt. The same guilt that had Lily’s guts in knots. Her client was dead. If she had been there a few minutes earlier she could have prevented it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lily checked her outfit, crisp western-style suit in a medium brown-grey. Her porcelain-pale skin, pale blue eyes, and white hair with spiked blue tips contrasting with the warm brown. As a member of the Board of Security Professionals, this was to be her first time to stand on the other side of the bench in a hearing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She took a deep breath and entered the hearing chamber. Seated were the other six members of the board, with her normal seat empty. The remaining members of the board looked like a photo of the Founders of the Federation; uniformly dark brown, some with warm, reddish undertones, others cool, but all with “normal” African features. Lily, on the other hand, had the \u201cless-desirable\u201d Euro features, in spite of the fact that her father was a genetic engineer and could have made her look like the majority if he had wished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sitting in the gallery were the members of the SIMI Trade Commission Board, the highest authority on the station. In a normal hearing they wouldn’t be there, but the BSP were to judge one of their own. Without oversight from the Trade Commission the entire hearing could be called into question. The Trade Commission was, contrary to what one would encounter in most parts of the Federation, made up of a broad array of face shapes and skin colors. What the Federation as a whole was supposed to look like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 “Hearing number 302-13-21-LC is now in session.” Ania, Director of the BSP, spoke from her position in the middle of the bench. “Lily Cavin, you are called before the Board of Security Professionals to give an account of the events of the 12th day of the 13th month of Federal Year 302.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“I travelled to Mars… excuse me, Sol 4, Dome 418, on a commercial shuttle. I was scheduled to meet Dr Nadine Ngata at 04:30 Federal time, to manage security for the FDF Ethics and Oversight conference.” Lily kept the guilt she felt from her voice. This was not the place for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“And what time did you actually arrive?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“The shuttle was held in orbit for over two hours, and we touched down at 05:42.” Lily took a deep breath to calm her nerves and went on. “I arrived at the main level of the dome at 06:04 and stopped by the first toilet to freshen up. And that’s when I found Dr Ngata.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“How did you find the doctor?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“She was in a stall, shot multiple times.\u201d Lily felt the guilt rising like bile. “I told her not to leave her room before my arrival, but I wasn\u2019t firm enough in my warnings.\u201d She didn’t add that the doctor had been distrustful, and had only hired her to squelch rumors of racism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Where were your local-hires while this was going on?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Locally hired security forces for the conference were due to arrive at 06:50 for a briefing,” Lily said. \u201cThe two body-guards who were assigned overnight lost her at 05:53 when she refused to stay in her room and used privileged access to cut through a Police barracks with two exits on each of three levels. They said she was carrying a satchel, but it still hasn\u2019t been found.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWas Dr. Ngata working with law enforcement?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot directly,\u201d Lily said. \u201cI did a full intel and background before accepting her as a client. Her work was as an ethics consultant with the Federal Defense Force, not directly with Combat, Police, Fire, or any individual FDF components.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat kind of enemies did she have?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe kind that send death threats.\u201d Lily shook her head. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. She had received 118 death threats over the previous 10 months, all untraceable.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe reason I asked about what kind of enemies,\u201d Ania tapped her tablet and a document appeared on the large holo behind the board. \u201cThis is the autopsy. Nine bullets, all FDF issue, serial numbers traced to the main Police barracks of Dome 412. The same Dome 412 that was destroyed last month in an horrific terrorist attack. They were fired by a rail pistol taken from that same weapons locker, and the pistol was turned low enough to be subsonic, but just high enough to cause fatal injury.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ania looked at the other board members, each nodding in turn. \u201cWe have already gone over your contracts, security plan as outlined in the same, and relevant communications logs with Dr. Ngata and the local hires. You are excused while the board makes their judgement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lily returned to her flat, near the station\u2019s dock. It was below the level where rotation provided one G, originally designated for storage when the station was still a mining platform. The 1.21 G felt comforting, the extra weight her cocoon. She lay down and rested until her comm chimed, letting her know they had reached a decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She stood at attention before the board to hear their judgement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ania pounded the gavel. \u201cIt is the finding of this board, that the death of Dr. Nadine Ngata was not<\/em> a failure of the security measures instituted by Lily Cavin on her behalf. Dr. Ngata purposely evaded the bodyguards hired to protect her, and ignored the warnings of Ms. Cavin as they pertained to her own safety. Ms. Cavin performed her duties according to the standards of the Board of Security Professionals. It is the finding of this board that Lily Cavin shall face no fine, sanction, or censure, and her license remains in good standing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lily left the hearing and stood on the promenade, looking down on the people one level down doing their daily routines. The floors curved slowly up in both directions. By walking in one direction she could end up right back where she started. Growing up on the station meant that planets felt backwards to her. That might have to change, though. It was too late to try to change her role on the station, but she could move to one of the colonies, take up a trade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her reverie was broken by Ania. \u201cLily, can we talk?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cListen,\u201d Ania said. \u201cI don\u2019t know how you\u2019re feeling, or what you\u2019re going through right now, except<\/em> guilty. I know that one well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI should\u2019ve made sure the bodyguards had access\u2026\u201d Lily was cut off by Ania\u2019s finger on her lips.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShould\u2019ve, would\u2019ve, could\u2019ve\u2026 that\u2019s not the truth, and some part of you knows it.\u201d Ania stepped back from the railing. \u201cWalk with me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lily walked beside her, content to let Ania set the conversational pace. They entered a lift and headed up two levels. Once there, Ania led her to her flat and invited her in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWould you like some tea, Lily?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSure.\u201d Lily looked at the small flat, the few decorations overshadowed by a display on a small shelf; an image of a much younger Ania in FDF Police gear, and a medal and commendation. \u201cSo you were police in your mandatory service?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd after.\u201d Ania set down a cup of tea for Lily on the table. Lily took the hint and joined her there. \u201cUntil my partner died on the job. He should\u2019ve waited for me to show up, but he didn\u2019t.\u201d A shadow crossed her face, and brief grimace of pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Lily said. \u201cThat must be hard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was\u2026 still is, if I\u2019m honest.\u201d Ania set her tea down and fixed Lily\u2019s gaze. \u201cBut the mistake I<\/em> made was leaving the force.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI blamed myself.\u201d Ania\u2019s face relaxed, her gaze soft. \u201cIf I hadn\u2019t been held up in court, maybe my partner would still be alive. It took me too long to realize that, more importantly<\/em>, if he\u2019d waited for me, he\u2019d still be alive.\u201d She took another sip of tea. \u201cI blamed myself. I let guilt dictate my next move and I left the force, in spite of how much I loved it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see the relevance,\u201d Lily lied. She did, but wasn\u2019t ready to admit it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI see<\/em> how much you love what you do,\u201d Ania said. \u201cBut right now, you\u2019ve got guilt chewing you up and clouding your mind. I didn\u2019t give myself a second chance, but maybe\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMaybe?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ania sighed. \u201cMaybe, if I can convince you to not make the same mistake I did, I can at least feel like I tried<\/em> to redeem myself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo,\u201d Lily said, \u201cthis is about making yourself feel better? I\u2019m your proxy? I don\u2019t know how I can keep doing this job without feeling like a fraud.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, it\u2019s about making myself feel better, but,\u201d she grabbed Lily\u2019s hand, \u201cit\u2019s mostly about helping you through what you\u2019re feeling right now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was considering working for my dad,\u201d Lily said, \u201cnot the one here on the station but my other dad. He\u2019s in one of the colonies, growing potatoes. At least I wouldn\u2019t get anyone killed that way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t get anyone killed.\u201d Ania patted her hand. \u201cThis is what I\u2019m talking about. You should take a week or two off, think it over. And I want to you to talk to me, any time of day or night, when you feel ready. I didn\u2019t give myself a second chance, but maybe I can help you give yourself one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou say I\u2019m not at fault, but it took the board hours\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe board decided before you even walked out of the room.\u201d Ania smiled. \u201cWe spent two and a half hours answering questions from the Trade Commission before we could announce our finding, though. And then<\/em> one of the Trade Commission members had the gall to complain that we took too long to come to an obvious conclusion!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOkay, I\u2019ll give it a couple weeks.\u201d Lily walked to the door, and stopped halfway out. \u201cWhat should I do in the mean time?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t we start with breakfast tomorrow? The caf\u00e9 on the promenade at 07:00. My treat.\u201d Ania shushed Lily before she could raise an objection. \u201cI\u2019ll see you in the morning, unless you need someone to talk to before then.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

prompt: Write a story about someone looking to make amends for a mistake….available at Reedsy It’s odd that the things one has little to no control over can produce the most profound guilt. The same …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[208],"tags":[213,210,228,209],"class_list":["post-2111","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-trunk-stories","tag-federation","tag-fiction","tag-science-fiction","tag-short-story"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pxT7i-y3","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2111","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2111"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2111\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2112,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2111\/revisions\/2112"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2111"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2111"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2111"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}