{"id":2527,"date":"2023-07-08T13:29:01","date_gmt":"2023-07-08T20:29:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/?p=2527"},"modified":"2023-07-08T13:29:01","modified_gmt":"2023-07-08T20:29:01","slug":"i-thought-i-was-over-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/2023\/07\/08\/i-thought-i-was-over-it\/","title":{"rendered":"I Thought I Was Over It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

prompt: Write a story that contains a flashback of a nightmare.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

available at Reedsy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I flinched away from his touch. I didn\u2019t mean to, I just couldn\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAgain?\u201d he asked. \u201cLast night? Did you get any sleep after?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I nodded to the first two and sighed at the last. \u201cSorry, Balan. Maybe I\u2019m not ready for this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo need to apologize. I understand that it isn\u2019t easy and saying \u2018Get over it\u2019 helps no one.\u201d He set down a mug of coffee near me, careful to maintain some distance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He gave me a few moments before he asked, \u201cNot ready for which this? Us\u2026or\u2026? I mean, if you need space I can move back in with my family\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo!\u201d I was emphatic on this point, because it was the one thing I was certain of. \u201cI need you around.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m here,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ve heard that talking about it can help. Whenever you want to, I\u2019ll listen.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d I checked the display on the control for the kitchenette. \u201cIf I don\u2019t get moving now, I\u2019ll be late.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI won\u2019t say good luck, you don\u2019t need it. You deserve the promotion. You\u2019ve got this.\u201d There was a certain mirthful certainty on his face; I was getting better at reading him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The office was larger and more plush than I\u2019d expected. It looked more like a nineteenth century drawing room than an office. All the high-tech bits had been tastefully hidden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A small desk contained a keyboard on a pull-out drawer, which activated the holo display above it. The bookshelf contained a few real books along with files disguised as books that were locked to the shelf with my fingerprints or DNA or something I didn\u2019t quite understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sat at the desk and logged in, wishing I\u2019d either gotten more sleep or drank more coffee. I considered calling Balan and asking him to bring me a pot of strong coffee but decided against it. There had to be coffee around here somewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The holo display shut itself off when a knock came at the door; security measure, I guess. \u201cIt\u2019s open, come in.\u201d No sooner had I said it than my guts tied in knots at what was probably a huge<\/em> breach of protocol.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The young woman that entered didn\u2019t seem too put off by it. \u201cGood morning, Ambassador McAllen. Melina of Aritoz, and I\u2019ll be your aide here at the embassy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stood and walked around the desk to properly greet her. \u201cPleased to meet you, Melina, and please, just call me Catherine\u2026or Kate.\u201d I held out a hand to shake hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her hand was like Balan\u2019s, a tough, leathery palm and fine scales on the back and the three long fingers. Her oval eyes were larger than his, their solid black unreadable. The ridges over her eyes and the corners of her mouth showed delight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThank you, Catherine. I\u2019m really excited for this opportunity, and I won\u2019t let you down.\u201d Concern crossed her face. \u201cDid I do the handshake thing right? I\u2019ve been practicing so I wouldn\u2019t\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was perfect.\u201d I put my arms up, palms together, and she did the same. We touched forearms and leaned our foreheads together for a second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stood back and said, \u201cI hope I did that right.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her eye ridges rose and her mouth opened in joy. \u201cPerfect.\u201d She gave a slight bow. \u201cIs there anything I can do for you, Ambassa\u2014Catherine?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCoffee. Where would I find it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can either bring you some, show you where the cafe is or bring in what we need to make you a pot here.\u201d Her shoulders dropped and her eye ridges lowered in concern. \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I should\u2019ve thought of that. I\u2019ll make sure there\u2019s a pot ready tomorrow morning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, no, that\u2019s fine.\u201d I sighed. \u201cIf I had a pot here every morning, I\u2019d drink all of it and get nothing done while my head ran in circles all day. Why don\u2019t we head to the cafe and have breakfast; my treat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cafeteria was spacious, with the sort of bare aesthetic I expected of an embassy. I was surprised, however, at the way sound didn\u2019t<\/em> echo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We had the option of filling trays from a buffet-style line or ordering a meal at the checkout. I opted for the second and ordered a doner kebab and chips, which I was surprised to see on the menu. Melina ordered something local that looked like scotch eggs until she cut into them, and I saw that the insides were made of some root vegetable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We traded tastes of our dishes. Hers was tasty, with a hint of radish under multiple layers of umami and smoke. She didn\u2019t seem too keen on the kebab but enjoyed the chips enough to help me finish them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As we walked back to my office, I looked at her and the other Rellans. They had small scales that covered them from head to toe, a short, thick tail, four-digit hands and feet, large, black eyes with no visible pupil or sclera, ridges above their eyes, and the mixed teeth of omnivores.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the daylight, I could look at them and understand that \u2014 looks aside \u2014 they would be classed as a mammal on Earth, not a reptile. Not only did they give live birth, have mammaries \u2014 both females and males \u2014 but they were warm-blooded with a normal temperature of 38.5 Celsius, well into fever range for a human.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Still, I\u2019d heard more than one crude comment from men talking about \u201chot lizard-girls.\u201d It wasn\u2019t like women didn\u2019t say things every bit as crude, but we at least have the decency to only say them in private\u2026not in a crowded terminal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat are you thinking about, Catherine?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Melina brought me out of my reverie, standing in front of my office. I didn\u2019t know how long we\u2019d been standing there. I opened the door and waved her in, closing the door behind myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not even sure,\u201d I said. I sat at the desk. There was no work for me to do until after the formal introductions the following day. It was meant to be a day for me to settle into my office. I looked at Melina standing in the center of the room, as though waiting for something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I moved to the sofa and offered her a place to sit. \u201cYou look like you have something on your mind,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis may be\u2026indelicate,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ll keep it just between us girls.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTerran males keep approaching me, trying to interest me in\u2026mating.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I laughed. \u201cIf that\u2019s their only goal, keep turning them down. If they only see you as an object of fetish, there\u2019s no sense in bothering with them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We spent some time talking about the signs that a human was interested in more than her body, and I shared some rather scathing turndowns for those who weren\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Melina looked at me then, and then said, \u201cAren\u2019t you living with a Rellan?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow\u2026how did you know it wasn\u2019t just a\u2026fetish thing?\u201d As soon as she\u2019d asked her eye ridges squeezed together in embarrassment. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, it\u2019s a fair question. I wasn\u2019t interested in him at all when we first met. Over time, though\u2026.\u201d  I took a deep breath. \u201cI keep having a nightmare, but I can\u2019t talk to Balan about it, because I don\u2019t want to hurt his feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is it?\u201d She laid a hand on mine, the scales on the side of her thumb making brief contact with my wrist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The scenes flashed through my mind again, and I forced myself not to jerk away. Balan stood before me, thousands of other Rellans behind him. He seemed far away, but he was close, and small.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All intelligence left his face as he dropped into a four-legged position and turned into a lizard along with all the other Rellans. They swarmed me, covering me. That was the point I usually woke up in a panic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d explained it to Melina as I relived it, and she held onto my hand the whole time. When I finished and opened my eyes, her nictitating membrane was half-closed. I\u2019d learned that was a response similar to tears for a human.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, dear,\u201d I said, \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to upset you. But you understand why I can\u2019t tell Balan, right?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She put a warm arm around my shoulders. \u201cI think you should. If he cares about you as much as you obviously care about him, he\u2019ll understand. But I have a question: Lizards are reptiles, so why lizards?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDisplay on,\u201d I said. \u201cShow a picture of an iguana.\u201d The three-dimensional image hovered over my desk, and I shuddered. I went through the steps I\u2019d worked on with my therapist to slow my breathing and take control of my panic response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Melina said, \u201cDisplay off,\u201d but it didn\u2019t respond. She moved herself between me and the display. \u201cI can tell this bothers you. You should turn it off.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDisplay off. I\u2019m much<\/em> better than I was. It\u2019s a phobia\u2026an irrational fear of lizards. Snakes are fine\u2026but put legs on them and they\u2019re just\u2026wrong. I went through a year of exposure therapy to prepare me for working in the Rellan embassy on Earth \u2014 Terra. And then another year working there, and getting close with Balan, before being assigned to Rell. I thought I was over it.\u201d I sighed. \u201cI didn\u2019t start having nightmares until I moved here. Balan\u2019s a huge relief, but it\u2019s rough right now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know if it would help, but the Terran-run exotic pet stores in the city carry waklas,\u201d she tried to hide her disgust and failed. \u201cMaybe having a small, furry animal close to hand\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI see you react the same way to them as Balan. Like lots of humans do toward reptiles.\u201d I chuckled. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t seem to carry over for Rellans \u2014 waklas to Terrans, that is, like it does for us as far as reptiles to Rellans.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause you\u2019re more like us than xots and greks and aniles and all the other waklas. They\u2019re furry all over, have constantly growing teeth, and lay eggs that they abandon to their fate. And they\u2019ll eat anything<\/em> they can fit in their mouth or take a bite out of. My sister assures me that her captive-bred grek is gentle, but still hasn\u2019t convinced me to hold it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI won\u2019t force a fuzzy animal on Balan, I care about him too much. Just like he turned down an offer for a pet monitor lizard while we were on Earth, although, he did<\/em> react to it the way I tend to react to puppies and kittens.\u201d I thought about it for a moment. \u201cIt probably wasn\u2019t obtained legally anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We sat in silence for a while, her warm arm still around my shoulders. I looked over at her, noticing the feel of the scales of her arm against my neck as I turned my head. \u201cThanks, Melina. I think I will<\/em> talk to Balan about it tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s probably better than bringing home a wakla,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I laughed. \u201cBut they\u2019re so cute<\/em>\u2026kind of like fluffy mice with bunny tails.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She shuddered and pulled away. \u201cDon\u2019t be mean.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I put my arm around her shoulders and gave her a hug. \u201cI won\u2019t, Melina. I\u2019ll never bring it up again unless you want to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat do you say to taking the rest of the day off, and meeting here in the morning for breakfast before the formal introductions are made?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSounds good,\u201d she said. She crossed to the door and stopped. \u201cIf you don\u2019t mind, I have one more question, though.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat is exposure therapy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I smiled. \u201cI promised not to talk about them, but if you want some exposure therapy, talk to your sister about her pet. Spend time around it\u2026get used to being near it, then come talk to me about the next steps.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou mean you\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah. I held an iguana\u2026for over an hour the last time while it slept on me, using me as a heat source.\u201d I shrugged. \u201cLike I said, I thought I was over it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

prompt: Write a story that contains a flashback of a nightmare. available at Reedsy I flinched away from his touch. I didn\u2019t mean to, I just couldn\u2019t help it. \u201cAgain?\u201d he asked. \u201cLast night? Did …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[208],"tags":[210,228,209],"class_list":["post-2527","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-trunk-stories","tag-fiction","tag-science-fiction","tag-short-story"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pxT7i-EL","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2527","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2527"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2527\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2528,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2527\/revisions\/2528"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2527"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2527"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2527"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}