{"id":2582,"date":"2023-11-25T17:07:02","date_gmt":"2023-11-26T00:07:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/?p=2582"},"modified":"2023-11-25T17:07:02","modified_gmt":"2023-11-26T00:07:02","slug":"finding-the-light","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/2023\/11\/25\/finding-the-light\/","title":{"rendered":"Finding the Light"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

prompt: Your character finally gives into a temptation they’ve been avoiding, and becomes better because of it.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

available at Reedsy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pity was the one and only thing Kira was supposed<\/em> to be feeling for the woman in front of her, but what she felt was very<\/em> different. The woman was one of the \u201cnear-blessed.\u201d With lighter eyes, she would be one of the chosen, like Kira and her family. Still, she sought her out every morning when she bought her coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The woman finished counting out Kira\u2019s change and handed it to her. She made a point of looking at the sun pendant Kira wore. \u201cChurch of True Light. You a believer?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2014I guess\u2026I mean, uh, yes.\u201d Kira took her change and left a tip in the jar. \u201cMay the Light guide you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The woman slid a business card to Kira, her hand making the movements of the secret greeting of the church. \u201cMy number\u2019s on there. Any time you want to talk, I\u2019m available.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira felt her cheeks burn as she hid the card in her coat and rushed out the door. What she felt was not pity, but envy, mixed with something else she couldn\u2019t identify. Why did the barista get to live as she desired without divine retribution, but not Kira?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As she sat on the bus to her place of work, she avoided the stares of the unblessed and near-blessed while she read from the Book. Letting it fall open at random was supposed to be a way for the Light to be one\u2019s guide. In Kira\u2019s case, she\u2019d read these passages so many times, the binding was broken there. It told how the Light would only inflame lust in the hearts of those joined in marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira read it again anyway. She had no feeling beyond disgust in her heart for Jerad, the man she was to marry. Their parents had arranged it years ago in accordance with the church laws.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She thought about the card again, and the way she\u2019d slid it over. The secret greeting; only the fully blessed and chosen were taught that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The near-blessed could join the church, but to be fully blessed and considered one of the chosen they had to forego any sort of occupation other than volunteering full time for the church. After at least a year, they could be blessed into the fold in a Confirmation ceremony where they would learn the hand movements. The barista knew the signal but didn\u2019t wear the sun pendant nor dress conservative. In fact, her usual style was downright provocative<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira slid the card out of her inner coat pocket and looked at it. Anika<\/em>, she thought, pretty name; it suits her.<\/em> The image of Anika\u2019s bright smile and the sparkle in her eyes that made Kira\u2019s mornings bearable filled her mind. A surge of guilt and shame washed over her, and she stuffed the card back into her coat\u2019s inner pocket. She scanned the people around her on the bus, concerned that they could somehow see her sin. She returned to her reading.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe lust of the chosen for those not chosen is not the work of Light but of Darkness. Just as the lust of a man for a man or a woman for a woman is Darkness moving over the heart, damning them to an eternity in Torment with the unblessed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen Darkness has thus swayed the heart of the chosen, the Light will strike them down to death, and remove their soul from the register of the blessed. Their soul shall be locked forever in Torment, their eyes forever looking up to the blessed in Paradise.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira closed her holy book and sipped at her coffee. She\u2019d convinced herself that she always waited to be served by Anika because she made the coffee better than any of the other baristas, but she no longer believed her internal lie. As she held the warm cup, she imagined Anika\u2019s fingers entwined with hers and a hot blush rose on her cheeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wondered what it would feel like to have Anika as close as the cup to her lips. The steam rising to meet them became Anika\u2019s breath in her fantasy before she regained control of her thoughts. The guilt rose again. That she hadn\u2019t been struck down dead meant she hadn\u2019t crossed the line \u2014 wherever that was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many of her coworkers were the unblessed, yet most of them were friendly, kind, thoughtful \u2014 the kind of person one would like to have a friend. The priests warned about that, though, the veneer of good that Darkness put over its minions to lure the chosen away from the Light. Kira couldn\u2019t see it, though, not anymore. If the goodness of her coworkers was a \u201cveneer,\u201d it was still far deeper than that of many of the church members, her own parents included.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019d had a long discussion with one of them at a quiet lunch, once. They were gentle with their words as they encouraged Kira to think for herself, to make her own life choices. They had finished by saying, \u201cIf you decide, for yourself<\/em>, that you want to stay in the church, by all means, do. If you\u2019re just staying there because you were raised in it, try learning about the options before you resign yourself to it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira thought then that she knew enough about the \u201coptions,\u201d all of them different facets of the Darkness, while there was only the one Church of True Light. Now, however, she wondered how much she\u2019d been taught by the church was correct, and how much was distorted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the close of her workday, Kira stopped a block short of the bus stop. She couldn\u2019t face going home to dinner with her family, her betrothed, and his family. She looked at the card again. Anika had written her name with a swooping, swirling elegance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira pulled out her phone, keyed in Anika\u2019s number, then cleared it out. She called home, telling her mother she had to work late. Lies were not the worst sin, but she\u2019d never told such a bald-faced lie like that. Her ears burned even as she disconnected the call.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She keyed in the number again, took a deep breath, then rang through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira let out the breath she hadn\u2019t been aware she was holding. \u201cA\u2014Anika? This is Kira\u2026from the coffee shop.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi, Kira! I\u2019m glad you called.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCa\u2014can you meet me downtown somewhere? I don\u2019t want to go home and \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSay no more. Water Sculpture Park? Thirty minutes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah\u2026I mean, yes, I can meet you there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The walk took her ten minutes, and she found herself worrying about how she looked. She never worried about that with Jerad, even though the Book said women should always present their best to their mate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After pacing for a few minutes, she forced herself to sit on one of the benches facing the fountains. She let the sparkle of late afternoon sun in the water clear her mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey. Good to see you somewhere other than work.\u201d Anika sat near her on the bench. She was still dressed as she did for work, in shorts and a tight shirt, but she was wearing more makeup, and her hair was down, falling in waves over her neck and shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The sight took Kira\u2019s breath away. \u201cHi,\u201d she managed to get out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika smiled and Kira knew now that what she was feeling was indeed a sin. Darkness stood only half a step from stealing her soul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re probably wondering how I knew the greeting,\u201d Anika said. \u201cI was raised in the church, Confirmed at age twelve, just like you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut you\u2019re\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNear-blessed. Same as my folks. They grew up in the church, too, and were married off to each other.\u201d Anika snorted. \u201cThey still live together, and are still married<\/em>, if you call never speaking to each other marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry. That sounds horrible.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was. Now, I\u2019m on my own and don\u2019t have to deal with them, since I\u2019ve been excommunicated. According to the priests, Anika<\/em> is dead, and I\u2019m an agent of darkness taking her place. According to me, the priests, the Book, and the entire church are full of shit. \u2026Sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira had trouble following what Anika was talking about. Her lips were dry, and she licked them. \u201cCould I\u2026hold your hand?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika scooted closer and grabbed Kira\u2019s hand. \u201cI would very much like that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira gathered her courage. \u201cI think\u2026I might have\u2026lust in my heart for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika smiled. \u201cIt\u2019s not the most<\/em> cringe line I\u2019ve ever heard, but I understand the church doesn\u2019t give you the language to express what you\u2019re feeling. I think you\u2019re pretty hot, too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira let her body take over. She leaned close to Anika, until she felt her breath on her lips, and then kissed her. Her body felt more alive than ever, her heart racing, her skin tingling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She pulled away. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She knew she was damned. \u201cI\u2014I\u2019m sorry. I should go before the Light strikes me\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika stopped her with a finger on her lips. \u201cDon\u2019t apologize. You did nothing wrong, and I liked it. If you haven\u2019t figured it out yet, you\u2019re not going to be struck down to death. The Light and the Darkness, along with Paradise and Torment are nothing more than myths meant to exert control.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut\u2026it\u2019s wrong<\/em>! It\u2019s darkness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo. Being who you are is not wrong.\u201d Anika lifted Kira\u2019s chin to bring her gaze up to her own. \u201cIf being yourself is wrong, then you\u2019re saying I\u2019m wrong. Am I darkness to you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira shook her head. She wanted to tell Anika that she was the only real light she had in her life. She wanted to tell her that she couldn\u2019t imagine a time that she\u2019d never be able to see her again, just to be in her presence. All she could manage was, \u201cNo, not darkness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika held her as she sobbed in a mix of fear, relief, and the first real kind touch she\u2019d ever experienced. When she\u2019d caught her breath, and come up from the tempest of her emotion, she lay her head on Anika\u2019s shoulder. \u201cWhat do I do now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika wiped Kira\u2019s tears with her thumb. \u201cI see no ring, but you\u2019re working, which means either you or your future husband aren\u2019t yet twenty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2014I\u2019m twenty, he turns twenty in six months.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd what do you think of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe disgusts me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIs he nasty?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo. I mean\u2026he\u2019s very clean and polite and goes out of his way to try to make me happy, but the thought of\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe thought of what? Kissing him? Sex?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUgh. Any of that. Even hugging feels gross. He sighs and I can tell he\u2019s getting excited, and it makes me want to puke.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe way I see it, you can either put your head in the sand, pretend none of this happened, and go back to a horrible life in the church making chosen<\/em> babies with the man that disgusts you, or\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOr?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou go home, tell your parents you\u2019re gay, and you\u2019re not going to marry him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut they\u2019ll kick me out\u2026and the church\u2026I don\u2019t know\u2026.\u201d Kira shivered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been there.\u201d Anika held her tighter. \u201cI\u2019ve been exactly where you are now. You should pack your bags before you say anything. Just what you need and can carry. You can stay at my place tonight \u2014 on the couch<\/em>. As much as I\u2019d want to do more, we should get to know each other better first. Tomorrow, I\u2019ll help you get a spot in the shelter for the short term, and then help you find your own place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo, just go pack, and say, \u2018Hey Mom and Dad, I\u2019m gay?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s pretty much how it went for me, only I had to do it twice, since they\u2019re never in the same room together.\u201d Anika sighed. \u201cWell, that, plus a lot of screaming.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCa\u2014can you come with me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika nodded. \u201cI can provide moral support. I won\u2019t say a word, though, unless you ask me to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira felt as though she\u2019d just stepped off a cliff and had no idea where she would land. \u201cI\u2019m really scared, but if I don\u2019t do it tonight, I\u2019ll never be able to. Let\u2019s go catch the bus.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika held up a set of keys. \u201cI\u2019ll drive, instead.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jerad and his parents were still there when they pulled up. Kira led Anika to her room without saying anything to anyone and packed in a frenzy. Anika helped where she could, reminding her to take deep breaths and find her calm center.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When they walked together into the dining room, Kira\u2019s mother said, \u201cIs this someone from work? Are you ministering to the near-blessed to bring them into the Light?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira took a deep breath. \u201cMom, Dad, I have something to say. Jerad, you\u2019re a very nice man and will probably make a good husband for someone\u2026just not me. I don\u2019t like men, I like women. I\u2019m\u2026gay.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The screaming and accusations began immediately, with everyone piling on Anika as being an agent of Darkness, corrupting the poor chosen girl. For her part, Anika kept a neutral expression apart from a raised eyebrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira couldn\u2019t take the screaming any longer. \u201cShut up!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she had everyone\u2019s attention she said, \u201cAnika is not an agent of Darkness. She didn\u2019t corrupt<\/em> me. I\u2019m just the way I am. If you can\u2019t deal with that, too bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shadows fell across her father\u2019s eyes as his brow furrowed. \u201cGet out of this house and never come back. The Light will smite you dead, but you are already dead to us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She spent six weeks in the shelter before she had enough saved up to rent her own place. Without the church taking most of her income, she could afford to live close to work, but she chose to live close to the bus depot, where she could get her morning coffee from Anika.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the months that followed, she began to really listen<\/em> to her coworkers. She found out that some of them were members of other faiths and were happy to explain what those faiths were about. One of her coworkers said he used to belong to a cult, and talked about how difficult it was to adjust to life outside of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The more Kira talked to him, and the more time she spent with Anika, the more she felt called to do something to help others. She began spending her evenings online talking to others in a similar situation. She found a group that had regular meetings in several cities, but not hers. She called around to counselors in the area, until she found someone willing to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira called Anika. \u201cHey, An, you have plans for this evening?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot unless you want to take me out somewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s good. It\u2019s not exactly romantic<\/em>, but it\u2019s important to me and I\u2019d like you to be there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika chuckled on the other end. \u201cThat\u2019s all you had to say, lady. It\u2019s a date. Fancy? What time should I pick you up?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCasual. I\u2019ll text you an address. If you could just meet me here at six-thirty, that would work. I\u2019ll pay for a late dinner after.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSee you then.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira put her phone away and checked the room again. \u201cDr. Park, do you think we need more chairs? Or maybe fewer chairs? Are the coffee and cookies all right or is that too much?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI told you, Kira, just call me Da-Eun.\u201d The counselor laughed. \u201cRelax. This is the same setup we use for the twelve-step programs, and what you\u2019re doing is not that different.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People began to trickle in, one and two at a time. They grabbed coffee, cookies, and began talking amongst themselves. Kira became more nervous as six-thirty approached, until Anika walked in and made a beeline for her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anika hugged her and gave her a kiss. \u201cHey, Sweetie. Oh! Am I not supposed to do that here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira pulled Anika in and squeezed her. \u201cIt\u2019s fine. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Da-Eun spoke up loud enough for everyone to hear. \u201cGood evening, everyone. If you\u2019ll take a seat, we can begin.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After everyone was settled, she said, \u201cWelcome to the first meeting \u2014 in this city, at least \u2014 of Life After Religion. Let\u2019s all give a big thank-you to Kira, who you may know as \u2018NoMoreFakeLight\u2019 online, who made this possible.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira felt a swell of pride, but it wasn\u2019t dark or sinful or anything of the sort. She\u2019d worked hard to make this night happen, and she deserved to be proud of her accomplishment. \u201cThanks. I\u2019m just glad we can all meet up like this and really get to know each other.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Da-Eun smiled. \u201cI\u2019m here as an advisor, and a sounding board, but this meeting belongs to all of you. Kira, why don\u2019t you kick it off?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira rose. \u201cLet\u2019s start with introductions. My name\u2019s Kira, and I left the Church of True Light eleven months ago. Being a lesbian doesn\u2019t make me evil or dark. It\u2019s just who I am.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kira sat and Anika squeezed her hand before standing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi. I\u2019m Anika\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

“Life After Religion” is a fictional group, but there is real help out there. If you or someone you know needs help adjusting to life after religion, Recovery from Religion<\/a> is there for you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Doubt Your Beliefs? Have Questions About Changing Or Leaving Your Faith?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You Are Not Alone, And We Are Here To Help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning how to live after questions, doubts, and changing beliefs is a journey. We at Recovering from Religion are intimately familiar with this path, and we are here to help you to cross that bridge. Our passion is connecting others with support, resources, community, and most of all, hope. We have two forms of support available below: peer support and professional support. <\/p>\nhttps:\/\/www.recoveringfromreligion.org\/#rfr-welcome<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

prompt: Your character finally gives into a temptation they’ve been avoiding, and becomes better because of it.\u00a0 available at Reedsy Pity was the one and only thing Kira was supposed to be feeling for the …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[208],"tags":[214,210,241,209],"class_list":["post-2582","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-trunk-stories","tag-drama","tag-fiction","tag-lgbtqia","tag-short-story"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pxT7i-FE","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2582","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2582"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2582\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2584,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2582\/revisions\/2584"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2582"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2582"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2582"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}