{"id":2598,"date":"2024-01-13T15:23:42","date_gmt":"2024-01-13T22:23:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/?p=2598"},"modified":"2024-01-13T15:23:42","modified_gmt":"2024-01-13T22:23:42","slug":"being-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.evardsson.com\/blog\/2024\/01\/13\/being-better\/","title":{"rendered":"Being Better"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

prompt: Write a story in the form of diary entries, written by someone who has set themselves a month-long challenge.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

available at Reedsy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 1:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today is the day! In order to be a better person, today, I start my month of careful speech. Rather than be the asshole who says the first thing that comes to mind, I\u2019ll take a moment to think about what I\u2019m about to say. By the end of the month, it should be habit. This is the beginning of the end for my mouth getting me in trouble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 2:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m glad it\u2019s still the weekend. I had to catch myself multiple times yesterday and today. It\u2019s not like the TV cares, but I wanted to yell at the talking heads on the news so bad! Grrrr. I was able to calm myself, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 3:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got a lot of strange looks at work today. Rather than my usual reaction to things, I was careful with my words. The saying, \u201cbite your tongue\u201d that means to not say what you were going to? Yeah, turns out that doing that for real works. Not hard or anything, just enough to remind myself of the goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 7:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

They actually listened to what I had to say in the meeting today. I wanted to tell them they were so stupid they were lucky they remembered to breathe, but I didn\u2019t. I thought about it carefully, and told them, point by point, what parts of their design were likely to fail, and how to mitigate those risks. Yeah, I might have taught some of them a thing or two. It felt good, even though I think I might be developing an ulcer, and I have a sore spot on my tongue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 9:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The constant pain in my gut has eased up. Probably because I spent the entire weekend in bed reading. No TV, no internet, just a good book. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I\u2019m still doing great on my month.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 12:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hump day, and this week already feels three times too long. I was in line for my coffee and this \u2014 cuts in front of me. (See, I\u2019m even censoring myself in my journal.) Anyway, I muttered something about his questionable legitimacy and that his head was in a physically impossible location. I didn\u2019t say it at full volume, though. Still, it slipped out and I realized I needed to do better. So, I tapped the guy on the shoulder and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry I just said something mean about you, I\u2019m trying to do better. I was angry in the moment when you cut in front of me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He just looked at me like I was insane and stayed right there in front of me in line. I\u2019m not sure if that\u2019s when the pain in my gut came back, but that\u2019s when I felt it, a knot of fire. I bit my tongue so hard I drew blood. It really hurts to drink anything hot or cold or eat anything at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 16:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I spent the weekend in agony. My tongue finally stopped hurting enough to eat a bit, and it seemed to help my guts, but only a little. Maybe I just need to let it all out without a target. I mean, I\u2019m still doing great good on my month of being less of an asshole. There was the little thing on Wednesday, and then Friday, when he did it to me again, I told him, \u201cI\u2019m trying not to say the first the terrible thing that comes to mind all the time, but I seriously hope your day is cut short by a tragic accident.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 20:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The knot of fire in my gut has grown a burning spike straight up the center of my chest. Everything I swallow hurts. I guess the sore on my tongue is just the new normal. It won\u2019t heal. My boss noticed something was wrong with me. \u201cYou\u2019re clearly stressed about something,\u201d she said. She told me to take a long weekend and de-stress. I couldn\u2019t even think of any comeback, due to feeling so awful. It was only while I was driving home that my mind kicked in and said \u201cGee, thanks for that, Captain Obvious. I\u2019ll call you the next time I need you to tell me something I already know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 23:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve lost weight. Had to add a new hole to my belt to make it fit. Probably because I can\u2019t eat, can\u2019t sleep, and everything puts me on edge. I cursed out the TV today because it decided it needed to reboot in the middle of a show. Smart TV my ass. But the TV doesn\u2019t really count, does it? I mean, it\u2019s just an inanimate thing. In that moment, I felt a tiny bit better. Still, I felt like I cheated on my month of not being the instant asshole \u2014 which ruined the good feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 26:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve decided that the TV, and other inanimate things, don\u2019t count \u2014 as long as no one else hears. My computer was being a pain today. I waited until everyone had left for the break room and whispered to it. \u201cYou stupid piece of \u2018made in China\u2019 shit. Taiwan is a country. Suck on that. If you don\u2019t act right, I\u2019m gonna plug a USB cable into the wall socket.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That helped a little. Someone saw me and asked what I was doing. \u201cJust a little one-sided conversation with my computer,\u201d I answered. They looked at me like I was contagious or something. I thought terrible things about them but didn\u2019t say anything. My tongue started bleeding again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 28:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I almost ripped the line-cutting jerk a new one today. I wanted so much<\/em> to tell him he should jump off a cliff instead of jumping the line. The coppery taste of blood in my mouth stopped me, and the pain in my gut made me decide to skip the coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The month is almost over, but I\u2019ve been scheduled to come in Sunday and cover for someone else \u2014 in customer support. It\u2019s literally<\/em> the one job I hate so much that until they promised I wouldn\u2019t ever be scheduled for it, I wouldn\u2019t accept the job. So much for promises.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think I cursed out everything in my apartment when I got home. I\u2019m sorry, apartment, it\u2019s not your fault. The nerve of this fucking company\u2026. (Companies are inanimate, so they don\u2019t count.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 30:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I almost made it\u2026almost<\/em>. I gritted my teeth, used my best customer service voice and answered the same five, stupid questions over and over and over. Then it happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were no calls in the queue, so I set my status to offline and went to the break room to get some ice to suck on \u2014 trying to get my tongue to stop bleeding. It was lunch time anyway, so no big deal, right? Wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That idiot of a shift leader told me to get back on the lines. I told him it was lunch time, and he had the audacity to say that I obviously wasn\u2019t eating, so I should get back online so someone else could eat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fire in my belly finally reached my throat and I gave up on the month. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever so eloquently told anyone how I felt about them in the moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, I called him a \u201cjumped-up, junior-hall-monitor-wannabe.\u201d I told him that if he was that worried about it, he<\/em> should be online. Then, I let him know that I was well within my rights to take my lunch break, even if all I\u2019m eating is ice. The next thing I said was that for his<\/em> lunch. he should probably stick to the \u201cpaleo diet\u201d since the Paleolithic was the last time there was a branch anywhere in his family tree. I\u2019m sure I said some more after that, but I don\u2019t remember it all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I almost<\/em> made it a month, and it almost killed me. There\u2019s got to be something I can to do be better, but this wasn\u2019t it. I saw online that it\u2019s healthier to express your emotions than to hold them in. I believe it. In fact, that\u2019s what I\u2019m doing next month: expressing my true emotions. I\u2019m going to be completely open and honest about how I\u2019m feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll also be looking for a new job, since I got fired today. It seems the junior-hall-monitor-wannabe\u2019s stick of a family tree includes the HR director. If I\u2019d known that, I would\u2019ve let him know how I feel about nepotism and told him to go cry to aunt mommy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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